she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
