How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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