does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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