she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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