dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
