Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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