I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
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you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
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I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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