my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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