Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
