I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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