just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
