Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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