Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
