So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
