I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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