so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
