my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
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Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
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I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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