omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
