he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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