And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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