Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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