he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
