i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
