Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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