oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
