I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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