I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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