The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
