A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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