Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
