so that wasnt chicken after all
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
