Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
