the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have aggressive nipples.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
