In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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