He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
