if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
