If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
