Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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