my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
