This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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