my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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