It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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