Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
