I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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