Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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