he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
