glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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