you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
