He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
