Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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