woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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