I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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