I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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