dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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