I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
