No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
