We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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