New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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