Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize