A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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