Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
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It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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